Men being so reluctant to speak about their experiences raises the question: Why?
For Curtis, a big part of it was grappling with a sense of the ways victimhood — especially in the context of sexual violence at the hands of another boy — didn’t line up with the things he’d been taught about masculinity.
In order to cope, he “created a second version” of himself that was “very strong and loud and masculine.”
“I would do dangerous things,” he said. “I was constantly in this struggle to prove that I was a man. I developed an unhealthy relationship with lying. I would lie about anything — if it was unpleasant, I wanted to suppress it.”
As he grew older, that reckless persona he’d developed to mask his pain began to intersect with substance abuse in negative ways.
“In college I was drinking a lot, and when I drank I would drink way to excess,” said Curtis. “I numbed it with achievements and attention from women and men, and by being this perfect person. I presented this image where I was handsome and charming and everyone liked me, and it was exhausting.”
That deeply draining quest to fill the hole created by his childhood trauma is all too common for males who’ve been sexually assaulted or abused.
Men are especially reluctant to tell others about their experiences “due to society’s view on what it means to be a man,” explains Brito.
That can manifest itself in a lot of different specific fears, but some common ones include:
Not Wanting to Be Seen as Weak
In the case of older male victims, asking why they didn’t fight the perpetrator off is an all-too common, victim-blaming response that ignores the immense shock and fear that can overwhelm people in the moment they’re being assaulted.
“For men, there is this belief that our physical strength or ability to control a situation prevents us from being assaulted or raped,” says Caraballo. “These are fallacies of being able to control the experience and given the statistics, many men are assaulted and often feel internalized shame for not being ‘man enough’ to prevent it.”
Not Wanting to Be Seen as Gay
“When a man is assaulted by another man, it can led to internal questioning of one’s sexual orientation or fear of a projection from others that the victim is gay (and somehow wanted it, because ‘men never turn down sex’),” says Caraballo.
That aspect resonated with what Curtis said about his own assault. In years afterward, the homophobia that his peers expressed made the fact that his violator was another boy an extra damning fact in his mind at the time.
“When I started to learn about homosexuality, I wondered if [the assault] meant I was gay,” he said. “It confused me about my sexuality. This [was] the ‘90s — people being called homophobic slurs was just how little boys communicated. For a while, I was scared that maybe I was gay, because being gay is associated with so many negative things in pop culture.”
Not Wanting to Be Disbelieved
Another reason some men don’t come forward is the possibility that others will try to deny that the horrible experience even happened to begin with (or didn’t happen how they remembered).
“Ultimately, the reluctance of men to tell their stories boils down to not thinking they are going to be believed, or thinking that reporting their abuse will lead to emasculation and ostracizing from their peers,” notes Caraballo.
Not Knowing What to Do Afterwards
It can be daunting to tell others about an assault simply because you’re not sure where things will go from there. Keeping things a secret is a way of retaining control over your life, preventing change in new and scary ways as a result of what happened to you.
Curtis, for one, was afraid that opening up about it would make his friends and family feel guilty for not having prevented it.
“I was scared that the people I knew would think they were responsible somehow,” he said.
All those fears Curtis experienced meant that, on top of not telling any parents, friends or his therapist, he also hid the fact of his abuse from his then-significant other for over a decade.
“For 13 years, I had a really supportive partner who I never had the courage to tell,” he said. “I know rationally that it wouldn’t have changed how she saw me, but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her. And I regret that immensely.”
The overall uncertainty about what the world looks like after opening up about your abuse is a terrifying one that keeps many men silent for far too long — but that doesn’t need to be the case.
What Should You Do If This Has Happened to You?
For Curtis, even as the years passed, keeping his abuse a secret was the only option. The way the incidents made him feel — like he was a bad person who could never be whole — was getting in the way of being happy and enjoying life.
“Rationally, I know that it wasn’t my fault. But we’re not rational people. In my bones I felt like it was a reflection of my worth,” he said. “I was on a trip with some friends and I hated myself the whole time. I was having fun, but I was constantly worrying ‘these people are going to realize that I’m awful and they’ll leave me and I will deserve it.’”
Not long after he had those dark thoughts on the trip, he began to go over the assaults he experienced as a child. That led to bouts of severe suicidal ideation.
“I kind of broke down, and I started to engage in really self-destructive behavior,” he said. “I came really close to killing myself. Really wanting to die, having a plan and getting ready to execute that plan. My girlfriend at the time helped me check into the hospital and essentially saved my life.”
Curtis’ story is all too common for many men — not knowing how to approach the trauma when it happens, instead trying to hide it. That pattern of hiding becomes so ingrained, they don’t feel like telling those around them or seeking help is even an option. As a result, self-harm can begin to feel like the only option left.
There’s No One Right Response
It’s important to recognize that even though it may not be the healthiest approach in the long term, remaining silent about what happened to you is an understandable and normal response to sexual trauma.
“There’s no right way to respond to having your consent violated,” explains Beaulieu. “You may feel sad, ashamed, angry or overwhelmed. You may feel absolutely nothing at all. You may want to forget about it or talk about it. You may want to spend time in the gym or numb yourself out with drugs or alcohol. You may have positive feelings for the person who violated you.”
Believe Your Own Story
According to Caraballo, the most important thing you can do in this kind of situation is recognize that a violation of your consent did happen — it was real and deeply hurtful, but it wasn’t your fault.
“It takes hard work to get through self-shame and that’s often helpful to work through with a professional, like a therapist,” he says. “It all starts with allowing yourself to not feel responsible for what’s happened to you. No one deserves sexual assault. No one asks for this. The only people who can truly prevent rape and sexual assault are the perpetrators themselves. These acts are a willful choice by perpetrators to enact their desires, and power and control over someone else irrespective of the other person’s feelings or potential consequences.”
Consider Telling Someone
“Seek support from individuals or organizations that are trained to manage male rape,” says Brito.
Beyond that, she notes, make sure you’re not feeling pressured to respond in a way that doesn’t feel right for you.
“Pace yourself, set your own rhythm and when you are ready, decide what course of action you want to take ( file a police report, seek legal action, get a therapist, talk to a friend),” adds Brito. “Most of all, don’t feel pressured by someone else’s agenda. You get to decide what is best for you.”
For Curtis, opening up to his then-girlfriend about the dark place his trauma had led him to was only the beginning.
“My work was great with it,” he says. “I was so scared of telling my boss, but I have so much support at work. Colleagues, bosses, management, they’ve been great about it.”
He also started seeing a therapist he did tell about the abuse, and the impact it had on his personality. “I did a bunch of therapy and I’m starting to come to terms with the sh*tty things I did,” he said. “I’m not saying any of that trauma excuses what I did and what I became, but it definitely gives context to a lot of the toxic masculinity and a lot of the lying and unhealthy behavior.”
Opening up has helped Curtis feel like he has a new lease on life.
“In the last month, I feel like I’m on a new path, a good path,” he said. “I have people in my life who love me. I know I’m not the worst things that I’ve done, and I’m not the worst things that were done to me. There are some days when I’m very happy with who I am. I have tons of regrets, but I also have a lot of love in my life and a really nice family. I know that I bring joy into their lives and they bring joy into mine. I know that the empathy that I have for them when they make mistakes is the same as the empathy they have for me when I make mistakes. I know that I’m working towards being the kind of man I want to be.”
Now, he realizes that the trauma of what was done to him doesn’t need to define him.
“It doesn’t make me any less of a man and it doesn’t make me any less of a person. But it takes a long time to be able to say that,” he acknowledged. “It’s not straightforward, it’s not a straight line. You have moments of weakness. Or you relapse.”
But, he notes, “for the first time in my entire life, I feel OK with myself.”
AskMan.com
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