Making it all the way to top is not an easy feat, a journey that I as a relatively unknown comedian have clearly failed at. I’ve been putting in a lot-of-effort, working the Gram, owning the Tok and tubing the You. From taking, editing and colour coding photos to pouting for your 500 followers, every wannabe influencer is doing it. You may be thinking to yourself: “My content is lit!”. But if it’s so *fire emoji, fire emoji, fire emoji* and you’re only getting three likes and one follow, it’s time to consider what the hell in the ‘Lasizwe’ are you doing wrong?
Luckily for you, I’ve been on this mission for a hot minute. Operation: Almost Fauxmous, otherwise known as how to live like a celebrity when almost no one knows your name. I’ve travelled the world, dined at some of the most expensive restaurants and mingled with the world’s top celebrities, and I still have less than 2k followers on social media. Along my journey to pseudo-success, I’ve discovered a few truths about what it takes to get the top of the pseudo-influencer food chain.
Step 1: Start off small.
Say some affirmations when you wake up. I generally go with: “I am famous and everyone knows my name. I wake up to follow on social media every morning and Cadbury’s is calorie free.” Since changing my outlook through daily positive incantations, I haven’t lost a kilo however I have been followed by two huge accounts, @citywater and @netflix_free_movies_1. #madeit
Step 2: Up your social media game.
Research world-famous influencers for inspiration to improve your content. For example, Kim Kardashian posted a photo of her toes in the sand captioned it ‘Paradise’ and got 18 million likes. I posted a photo of my chipped, lockdown talons in the soil, captioned it ‘Purgatory’ and got shadow banned from Instagram. Fail! You win some, you lose some. #tryharder #youcantgetallthelikesallthetime
Step 3: Associate yourself with top global brands
One way to do this is to make your own unboxing videos. I took an old pair of sneakers, wrapped them in tissue paper and profusely thanked a “certain company” for sending me free gear. Legally I am not permitted to reveal the brand’s name, let’s just say the company wasn’t happy that I “Just [did] it.”
STEP 4: It’s all about who you know
A critical part of becoming famous is making sure you rub shoulders with huge celebs as often as possible. I’ve rubbed Maps Maponyane’s shoulders, I’ve photobombed Pearl Thusi, and I’ve even auditioned to be ShoMadjozi’s back up dancer by attempting to “Toosie Slide” her in the sweets isle at Woolies. Take every opportunity you have and one day you may *fingers crossed* get papped with a real-life famous person.
STEP 5: Always cause a scene.
Being memorable is crucial. Every time I eat out at a restaurant, and I mean every single time, it’s my birthday. When the waiters bring me a slice of cake and sing me Happy Birthday I make sure I’m belting along, out-singing all the waitstaff. You never know when a big shot talent agent is eating the escargot at table 2. If at any point during the meal my husband asks “Babe, can you please pass the salt?” I’ll jump out of my seat, fake cry and yell “Yes babe, yes! The answer is yes!” and then take a huge bow as everyone in the restaurant applauds.
So what have I discovered from implementing all these steps? All this hard work I’ve been doing hasn’t actually garnered the type of fame and fortune I so richly deserve. So I guess if I were you I would just stick to perfecting your duck lip poses and colour coding your Instagram layouts. Damn, I clearly am doing this whole thing wrong.